K*Love Inspiration!

This morning driving into work I was listening to KLOVE's radio station like I do every morning and as I was parking a song by MIKESCHAIR came on called "Something worth dying for" As the song went on it really made me reflect because I have asked the questions the song talks about at some point through out my life:

1. God can you hear me?
2. God are you listening?
3. Am I more than flesh and bone?
4. Am I really something beautiful?
5. Am someone worth dying for?

There have been times in my life where I really felt like God could not hear me. I felt as though my voice didn't matter and wasn't audible. So I stopped speaking. Which in a sense was very interesting because I actually didn't stop talking. I just started saying whatever came to my mind...Good, Bad, or Rude! In the world people chalked it up to me just being outspoken. That right there is what will get anyone caught up. When you have the wrong people praising you on your foolishness. For so long I didn't care much about others or their feelings. I just said how I felt, or what I saw. In my mind I was stating the truth so it was all good right? WRONG...I let self pride take me to a place where I pretty much felt like the rules didn't apply to me. Growing up in the church as well as being the daughter, granddaughter and god daughter of pastors church folk always said "Preachers kids are bad"...So since they labeled me as bad on the basic knowledge of who my daddy was I became just that BAD...Now don't get me wrong I did do some crazy things in the last 25 years but my focus right now is how bad my mouth became. If you let it pride will take you on a ride that will be hard to recover from. Between pride and being surrounded by people who truly didn't care enough about me to call me on my foolishness I allowed words build up around me so you would never see me. I stopped listening to who God said I was and just went with who everyone else said I was until I got totally lost to the point where I didn't think God would hear or listen to anything I had to say.

Genesis 2:7(AMP)

⁷Then the Lord God formed man from the ^[a]dust of the ground

and breathed into his nostrils the breath or spirit of life,

and man became a living being.

Many times I have wondered is there really more to me then all that stuff I learned in biology, anatomy and physiology. Like for real...I been in church all my life and I heard everyone at some point say one thing or another about life is about more than my flesh. It wasn't until I personally sought out God for myself that I was able to truly believe and understand that YES I AM WAY MORE THAN FLESH & BONE. In the 1st book of the bible I learned that God had to breathe the breath/spirit of life into man before it became living. So that alone lets me know that if I was just flesh and bones I wouldn't be alive. My flesh, bones, organs and my whole genetic make up only work because God allows it to work through the spirit of life. Often times it is easy to get caught up and lost in the day to day routine that we loose sight of the fact that we need to seek God 1st above all else because when we seek God he will add everything else.

Psalm 139:14

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:

marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.



For so long I was the tallest girl in my class with the most developed shape...Like really why was it necessary for me a girl in elementary school to have so many curves. I was very self conscious about my body not really because of my weight or anything but because none of my friends were built like me so I began to hate my body. I disliked that my legs were really long, my feet were big, my thighs, hips, and behind were on a planet of their own and my waist was stupid small. So I became a tom boy. It was easier to cover up what then felt like a very large problem. I played basketball because people said I should becauseI was tall just like I ran track because people said I ran fast. Now both were very true I was tall so basketball was a breeze in elementary and middle school. I even became really good at it because I gave it my all and worked hard because that's what I do when I commit to something. But  it took me a while to embrace ME...the girl I saw in the mirror who would much rather have on a skirt and heels then some gym shoes and  a tee. My issue with my self image did a lot of damage to myself and others. I built up a wall to keep people from seeing me although most would never see what I saw in the mirror but I didn't let anyone super close just in case they could see that I didn't consider myself beautiful. Ever since I can remember my uncle Joe (My dads brother) asked me every time I saw him "How'd you get so beautiful"....At 1st I chalked it up to just him being him. My uncles are amazing men and love me so much an to me that was just something uncles say. But later I found out that my uncle Joe was speaking to who God created me to be not this girl I created who spoke her mind not caring about the feelings of others. He looked passed the fact that I had on baggy ball shorts and a t-shirt and saw ME. Psalm 139:14 reminds me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That simple verse gave me the push to embrace KENDRA. If God created me and thought I was wonderfully made who am I to say other wise?

Now that last question was a big hurtle I had to learn how to jump. "Am I worth dying for" Like for real. To grasp the fact that God sent his ONLY son to die on a cross for MY SINS. God knew EVERYTHING I WAS AND AM GOING TO DO an even with knowledge of that he sacrificed his only son for me...Little oh Kendra who would hurt him over and over. The girl he would give chance after chance even though he knew I'd mess up again! That's big. Which now pushes me to seek all he requires of me. I figure that since God loves me enough to give the life of his only son for my sins I need to work harder at showing him I love him. I thank God daily that he is not like man because I know that based on the mess I got myself into time and time again people would be well past done with me. But God loves me enough to pick me up dust me off and let me go at it again. After over analyzing this very question over and over I have to simply stop myself and think...God is soverign which means HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS TO DO...



Jumping in Clown Shoes

Romans 8:29 (NKJV)

²⁹ For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be

 conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be

 the firstborn among many brethren.

 "To destine, decree, determine, appoint, or settle beforehand" is the definition given in the Merriam-Webster dictionary for the word Predestine. Now to break it down even more I used a children's translation and this is what I got "to decide beforehand especially by divine command" Yea so Romans 8:29 breaks down to me as:

"God had earlier knowledge of me,

So God also destined, decreed, determined,and appointed, me

to be similar or identical to Jesus so I can be used as a vessel by God

to bring my brothers and sisters to him"

Now that looks all well and good on paper but in reality a lot of that looks BIG and can often lead one to feel very intimidated. I find myself now in a place where my struggle is not what others say or anything like that its ME. I am very analytical and often over think things to the point where I can pretty much talk myself out of anything. I admit I have a fear of well not being in control. Now pause because I know a lot of you are like "girl you not in control no way God is" and I get that but I also understand that as a spirit being in an earthly body (flesh) my flesh has an issue with not being able to control situations that directly effect me. I will take a moment to say that although I still find myself trying to control things I have grown to a place where's trusting God to provide for me THIS DAY is more important than my minor needs to be in control. I have learned to trust God no matter what it looks, feels, sounds or smells like. Trusting God in itself has been an up hill struggle for me as well. Don't get me wrong I've always trusted God but not until very recently have I put my TOTAL trust in God. Like everything. Often times especially those of us who have grown up in church say we trust God but in reality we trust God with what we think he can handle about us. Which when I look at that it makes NO SENSE but any way...Yea we give God the PG-13 version of us and try to "clean up" the rest so it don't look so bad. But if we truly read his word we would know that really it makes no sense to not trust him since well he knew us before we were formed in our mothers womb(Jeremiah1:5) and he also knows our beginning, middle and end I mean duh he did write the story! Okay so yea sorry there is my little rant about trust!!!

Where I am now is truly fighting myself. This self-intimidation is a MONSTER. I was talking to my mentor one day about how I felt like what God is doing in my life and what he has called me to is WAYYYY TO BIG and God used her to tell me that right now it may look like it don't fit because God didn't give us a purpose to fit the size we are now, He gave us a purpose to fit the size we will become. (This is not exactly how it was stated but I can't find it just yet to quote) That right there blew my mind. While I am wondering around in what feels like clown shoes it is just a reminder that I'm growing into what God predestined me to be. An as I am in a season of discovering who I am in God I will admit that the parts that God has shown me already about my destiny...ummm I often want to look around and be like he can't really think I am able to do that, or say that! As I embrace my voice and really accept that there is a lot God has told, is telling and will tell me that I was created to share it makes me trust him all the more. Like for real how could I not trust a God who knows EVERYTHING I EVER DID AND EVERYTHING I WILL DO...The good bad and ugly and STILL even through all that wants to give me some amazing things that only he can?!?

I am reminded of one of my favorite story's my dad tells when he is preaching about trust. When I was little I use to stand on the porch and jump into my dads arms. Not caring about anything beacuse in my mind and heart I KNEW that he was going to catch me. I would close my eyes sometimes and jump, no hesitation, no fear simply because I trusted dad was there to catch me. Well I am seeing that my heavenly father is there standing on the ground waiting on me to jump. Even though he knew everything I did that hurt him before I got ready to jump and yet he is still there arms open wide ready to catch me...So my biggest encouragement to you is JUMP!!! :)

TRAPPED: the HE with in the ME!

Deuteronomy 8:18(NKJV)

¹⁸ “And you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth, that He may establish His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day.

I have written this scripture down in my prayer journal I don't know how many times, and no matter how much I write it still its been in my head like...HELLO YOUR MISSING IT! So last night BAM...with the help of APC by way of her FB status I got it. Her status:

"TO SOMEONE OUT THERE: it is one thing to believe GOD is able and another to believe He is able thru "U"...until u become the conduit for the manifestation....stop looking for the blessing to drop out of thin air. Deut8:18 And you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who gives you power to get wealth, that He may establish His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day."

Yep It took me a minute to pick up my face! So this prompted a "Kendra...U CAN DO THIS" pep talk with myself! I will be the first one to say that often times I simply play myself. Over the course of the last month I have been told that I really need to commit to something and find what I'm passionate about and stick to it no matter what. An although I was like dang that's harsh. It was the exact words I needed to hear and the fact that they came from 2 very reliable sources I knew that it was something I needed to face and fix.

For to long I have allowed myself to be very well guarded. I have built up walls, stop talking to people so we didn't get super close, or simply just shut everyone out so I was no longer allowing myself to be placed in a position to be hurt, used or disappointed. Well, I must admit that actually was working for a very long time and I was really content with how life was going because I was controlling things the way I felt they needed to go. Well, no one prepared me to have individuals in my life now that could care less about the attitude or me not talking. God has surrounded me with people who simply love me enough to literally PULL OUT OF ME all I have worked so hard to keep in.

In this very season of my life I am honestly seeing that all while I was believing God is able I never really put thought to him being able through ME. Its not that I doubted he COULD its that I just didn't think about it. God has placed so much in me that I have yet to discover or I have simply bottled up and kept hidden because of being hurt in the past. BUT today I stand boldly admitting to myself that "YES! God has placed a lot in me and a lot of the blessings he has in store for me will come from the power he has already given me"

I had a friend ask me was I an introvert not to long ago and it really hit me that to him I was because as much time as we all spend together there are only a few who really know that I am by far an introvert. Crazy how I have always been comfortable in who I CREATED myself to be yet very nervous in being who GOD CREATED ME TO BE. All though they do have major similarities there are a lot of key differences. So as I begin to walk in who GOD CREATED ME TO BE I am finding that I've been missing out on a lot! :)