This morning driving into work I was listening to KLOVE's radio station like I do every morning and as I was parking a song by MIKESCHAIR came on called "Something worth dying for" As the song went on it really made me reflect because I have asked the questions the song talks about at some point through out my life:
- God can you hear me?
- God are you listening?
- Am I more than flesh and bone?
- Am I really something beautiful?
- Am someone worth dying for?
There have been times in my life where I really felt like God could not hear me. I felt as though my voice didn't matter and wasn't audible. So I stopped speaking. Which in a sense was very interesting because I actually didn't stop talking. I just started saying whatever came to my mind...Good, Bad, or Rude! In the world people chalked it up to me just being outspoken. That right there is what will get anyone caught up. When you have the wrong people praising you on your foolishness. For so long I didn't care much about others or their feelings. I just said how I felt, or what I saw. In my mind I was stating the truth so it was all good right? WRONG...I let self pride take me to a place where I pretty much felt like the rules didn't apply to me. Growing up in the church as well as being the daughter, granddaughter and god daughter of pastors church folk always said "Preachers kids are bad"...So since they labeled me as bad on the basic knowledge of who my daddy was I became just that BAD...Now don't get me wrong I did do some crazy things in the last 25 years but my focus right now is how bad my mouth became. If you let it pride will take you on a ride that will be hard to recover from. Between pride and being surrounded by people who truly didn't care enough about me to call me on my foolishness I allowed words build up around me so you would never see me. I stopped listening to who God said I was and just went with who everyone else said I was until I got totally lost to the point where I didn't think God would hear or listen to anything I had to say.
Genesis 2:7(AMP)
and breathed into his nostrils the breath or spirit of life,
and man became a living being.
Many times I have wondered is there really more to me then all that stuff I learned in biology, anatomy and physiology. Like for real...I been in church all my life and I heard everyone at some point say one thing or another about life is about more than my flesh. It wasn't until I personally sought out God for myself that I was able to truly believe and understand that YES I AM WAY MORE THAN FLESH & BONE. In the 1st book of the bible I learned that God had to breathe the breath/spirit of life into man before it became living. So that alone lets me know that if I was just flesh and bones I wouldn't be alive. My flesh, bones, organs and my whole genetic make up only work because God allows it to work through the spirit of life. Often times it is easy to get caught up and lost in the day to day routine that we loose sight of the fact that we need to seek God 1st above all else because when we seek God he will add everything else.
Psalm 139:14
I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:
marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
For so long I was the tallest girl in my class with the most developed shape...Like really why was it necessary for me a girl in elementary school to have so many curves. I was very self conscious about my body not really because of my weight or anything but because none of my friends were built like me so I began to hate my body. I disliked that my legs were really long, my feet were big, my thighs, hips, and behind were on a planet of their own and my waist was stupid small. So I became a tom boy. It was easier to cover up what then felt like a very large problem. I played basketball because people said I should becauseI was tall just like I ran track because people said I ran fast. Now both were very true I was tall so basketball was a breeze in elementary and middle school. I even became really good at it because I gave it my all and worked hard because that's what I do when I commit to something. But it took me a while to embrace ME...the girl I saw in the mirror who would much rather have on a skirt and heels then some gym shoes and a tee. My issue with my self image did a lot of damage to myself and others. I built up a wall to keep people from seeing me although most would never see what I saw in the mirror but I didn't let anyone super close just in case they could see that I didn't consider myself beautiful. Ever since I can remember my uncle Joe (My dads brother) asked me every time I saw him "How'd you get so beautiful"....At 1st I chalked it up to just him being him. My uncles are amazing men and love me so much an to me that was just something uncles say. But later I found out that my uncle Joe was speaking to who God created me to be not this girl I created who spoke her mind not caring about the feelings of others. He looked passed the fact that I had on baggy ball shorts and a t-shirt and saw ME. Psalm 139:14 reminds me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That simple verse gave me the push to embrace KENDRA. If God created me and thought I was wonderfully made who am I to say other wise?
Now that last question was a big hurtle I had to learn how to jump. "Am I worth dying for" Like for real. To grasp the fact that God sent his ONLY son to die on a cross for MY SINS. God knew EVERYTHING I WAS AND AM GOING TO DO an even with knowledge of that he sacrificed his only son for me...Little oh Kendra who would hurt him over and over. The girl he would give chance after chance even though he knew I'd mess up again! That's big. Which now pushes me to seek all he requires of me. I figure that since God loves me enough to give the life of his only son for my sins I need to work harder at showing him I love him. I thank God daily that he is not like man because I know that based on the mess I got myself into time and time again people would be well past done with me. But God loves me enough to pick me up dust me off and let me go at it again. After over analyzing this very question over and over I have to simply stop myself and think...God is soverign which means HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS TO DO...
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